Advice to new parents

I recently found out that some friends of mine are expecting their first child. They have said on several occasions that they liked how B and I interacted and dealt with our kids. Which means that they might be calling us when they encounter difficult situations. So I thought I might take a few moments to give them as well as any other soon to be new parents some advice.

#1 - During the pregnancy, husbands remember that your wife is the vessel that God has chosen to create life. Think about that for just a moment. The means that your wife's body can create another human being. How special and wonderful is that? It is so special and wonderful that she will remind you of it when the house isn't clean and she doesn't want to clean it. "Well honey, I would clean the house but I am too busy creating a baby. What are you doing?"

#2 - Becoming parents is the hardest, most frustrating, most humbling, most wonderful and most rewarding task you will ever do in your life.

#3 - If at any moment you do not feel like you would throw yourself in front of a car for your child or if you don't think you child is the brightest, smartest, most beautiful and most talented child on the face of the earth.....then you are doing something wrong. Stop what you are doing, go over to your child and hold them until you do feel that way.

#4 - If you have a boy you will have to decide whether or not you will get him circumcised. This seemingly simple decision is a very confusing one to make. On one hand, this society has deemed it appropriate to cut off skin to comply with "social norms". On the other hand, since it is a "social norm", when little Joey or Billy is with his friends and they are partaking in the common ritual of showing each other their tally whackers, they will not be embarrassed because they are different.

#5 - In the United States, breastfeeding is largely considered to be inappropriate in public and unnecessary. There are reams and reams of data and many many studies that show the incredible benefits of breastfeeding over synthesized formula. There is something to be said about feeding a human being from the same body that nourished it for 9 months. Also (according to my wife, you'll quickly get over the worry about feeding in public when your child is screaming and the only private areas around the fair are porta-potties.

#6 - NO one has it all figured out. Let me state this again for perfect clarity. NO ONE has the parenting gig figured out. EVERYONE makes it up as they go along. Everyday brings a new and exciting challenge. As they get older, the problems only get bigger.

#7 - If your child poops in the bathtub, don't panic. Don't be disgusted in front of your children. Be calm. If they are playing with it, ask them to stop. Open the drain and pray to GOD that you have a good draining tub. Stand your child up, as the water is draining around them, use a cup with warm water to rinse all the excess poop off their body. Keep the child standing so you don't have to sanitize the tub right then. Continue with the rinsing of the child. Use soap at this point to wash your child. I also suggest cleaning their hair JUST IN CASE. Oh and it is probably a good idea to put them on the toilet if you can. You never know, they might not be done.

#8 - Repeat after me....it is only poop, I can always wash my hands. Here is a news flash. Men, you will change many many many diapers over the next few years. Get used to the smell and get used to getting poop and pee on your hands. It's ok, its natural. Just remember that you can always wash your hands afterwards. This goes for those diapers that have leaked when the child is sick and the poop is running into their pant leg and onto the floor. This also goes for the time when they are running around the house naked after bath time and they squat and pee on the floor.

#9 - Life is about balance. If you feel yourself getting angry all the time, it is probably because you are. If you are always angry when you are around your child, they will become angry too. YOU are the one teaching them how to become a person. They will copy what you do far more than they will copy what you say.

#10 - Read to your child. My wife is brilliant for many reasons. One of the reasons is because she knew early on the positive impact reading has on the mental growth of our children. Our children are book fiends.

#11 - NO ONE knows how to raise your child better than you. No one knows the subtleties of your child more than you. You will be able to tell the difference between their cries. When you can't communicate with your child verbally, it is essential that you learn what a hungry cry sounds like as opposed to a bored cry or a full diaper cry.

#12 - You are going to make many many mistakes as a parent. It is unavoidable. We forgot to bring a blanket to a doctor's appointment. This may not seem like much but when your child has to get naked in a cold exam room, you will feel terrible for forgetting a blanket. We lost our 2 year old at a picnic with 200 people standing around. Thankfully nothing happened to him. I thought B was watching him and she didn't realize I had walked off without him.

#13 - This is the most important thing that you must know about becoming a parent. Let's just say that no matter how much you THINK you know how your life is about to change, know this. You don't know squat about how your life is about to be turned upside down. You may have spent a lot of time with kids before in any number of ways (baby sitting, relatives, etc) At night, you have always been able to separate yourself from those children and go home. Go home to your own bed. Go home to your own TV. Go home to a quiet and clean house.

Well that is ALL GONE my friend. You are now entering a world to where YOU are responsible for keeping someone else ALIVE. No one else is going to come pick up the baby and give you a break. You are the only one designated as being the full time guardian and protector of this child. You have to do everything in your power to make their surrounding at home and everywhere you take them, safe.

If you are extremely bothered that you can't sleep in on the weekends because of this child, your priorities are off. If you are extremely bothered that you can't go see as many movies in the theater, your priorities are off. If you are mad because you don't have any time or money to play as much golf, your priorities are off. If you can't buy as many things for yourself and that bothers you or if you ponder and stress over anything that you had to give up because of your new child, then your priorities are off. Your number one priority is that child. If that means you cut your spending or time with your friends or if you don't get to watch as much TV, then that is what you do. Your number one priority in life is that child.

There is so much more I could say. Perhaps I will write another post with my wife helping me. For now, good luck. You are about to be a parent.

Ahhh...the things we do as parents!

I had never changed a diaper before my little girl was born more than 4 years ago. Some how I escaped ever having to change a diaper for 33 years. I always told myself that I wouldn't mind doing it to my own child. So the first time I changed JC's diaper I didn't bat an eye. Wham bam thank you maam it was over and I was on my way.

Since that time I have changed some really messy diapers. I have even had to clean out a bathtub or two where the kids may have had a poo poo accident while enjoying a bath (Thank the Lord our God for drains).

Anyway, my son is just getting over being sick. He hasn't eaten what I would call a completely balanced diet over the past few days. So he eventually became a little "backed up" if you know what I mean. The cries of "my too-shee wee-wee (really) hurts" began to come from the lips of my 2+ year old boy.

Well this morning was by far the messiest diaper I have ever been associated with. As soon as I realized that he was no longer "backed up" I told him to stand still so as not to drip any more on the carpet or the kitchen floor (yes it was like the streets of Italy in our house). I went upstairs and woke up my bride and said "Honey, I have something to show you."

As we do with every emergency in the house we quickly assess the situation and volunteer for our roles in resolving the crisis. My wife took on the role of diaper changing/baby cleaning and I took the role of trash emptier/floor mopper/towel rinser. Towel rinser? Yes, we put him on a towel before we removed his diaper. I will let you draw your own mental image. Yummy!

So I got out our hoover bare floor cleaner and some anti-bacterial spray and began cleaning up the "mess".

All in all it turned out ok as most emergencies do in our house.

Parenting according to.....me!

There are five stages to parenting that everyone should know about.

Stage one parenting (a.k.a. I don't have kids and I don't want kids):

Before I begin talking about people in this stage there are a few things that I want to make clear. First, I totally respect people in this stage. Second, some people will never be out of this stage--and that is perfectly fine with me--aren't you glad?

People in this stage tend to be very independant wild spirits. They cannot imagine having to give up the freedoms they currently enjoy. I have to say that if the thought of giving up their lifestyle closely resembles the shock I went through after being married for 9 years and then having a child...I don't blame them for feeling the way they do.

But there are some misconceptions that need to be cleared up about this stage.

First, no matter how much you feel loving a pet is just as powerful as loving a child, you are probably mistaken. I have had pets in my life and I have loved my pets with a deep personal love. I can tell you from first hand experience that the love you have for a child is about 1000 times that of any love you can have for a pet. I know it seems so real and so deep that you cannot imagine being able to love something more. But trust me, it is very different.

Second, anyone that thinks that baby sitting someone else's child or caring for their own pet is like a warm up to taking care of a child, let me help you understand the comparison. On a scale of 1 to 1000 (1 being completely unprepared to care for a child and 1000 being fully ready and capable of caring for a child), if you are successful at performing one of the afore mentioned tasks I would rate you about a 10 out of 1000. That is about how much experience those activities will gain you.

Stage two parenting (a.k.a. We are thinking about getting pregnant):

People in this stage have probably started by having unprotected sex and just "see what happens" for a little while. Depending on your urgency for having a child you may move to more agressive forms of pregnancy induction sooner than others. You need to know that only you can know when it is time to move to the next phase of getting pregnant. Everyone's body chemistry is different. Then try introducing a second person into the mix (your husband) and you have yourself a genuine biological conundrum. Don't be ashamed or embarrased about having to seek help.

People in this stage must also understand something very important. No matter how prepared you think you are for having a child, you are wrong. No matter how much advice people give you about what it is like to have a child, you will be unprepared for the rush of panic and emotion that will set in when you are at home the first night from being in the hospital. You look down at the baby and then at your partner and say to yourselves "Holy $%# now what do we do?" "When are the baby's real parents coming to get them?" Your lives will be forever changed. There is nothing you can do about it but jump into parenting with both legs and arms and feet and lips and teeth, grab on tight and never let go.

Stage three parenting (a.k.a. so you are brand new parents):

People in this stage will take so many pictures of their baby it will make you sick. I mean really how many pictures CAN you have of one individual? The answer is simple.....NEVER ENOUGH.

People in this stage are wondering and worrying about how good of parents you will be as the baby gets older. The women want this stage to last forever. The men want this stage to advance such that they can interact with their child instead of having a big blob with eyes staring at you like you are some kind of idiot.

People in this stage think that their child is the prettiest of any baby they have laid their eyes on. This is God's plan. While it may not actually be true, your heart and mind tell you that this is the cutest baby you have ever seen. WARNING: If you do not think this then you need serious therapy. Because there IS NO OTHER BABY THAT IS CUTER THAN YOURS.

People in this stage, especially those with only one child, are paranoid about everything. I need to boil pacifyers. I need to wipe off the handle on the cart at the grocery store because who knows what germs are on there. I need to make sure they eat a well balanced diet.

People in this stage look at the age of their child and think "they are only 4 weeks old?!? I can't even fathom what it will be like when they are 6 months old."

Stage four parenting (a.k.a. so parenting isn't as bad or frightful as I feared)

People in this stage have their first child at age 3-5. They may have a second child.

People in this stage realize that the babies are not as fragile as they once feared.

People in this stage realize that parenting is more about what is in your heart than any technique they read in a book. They realize that every other parent is making it up as they go along just like them.

People in the stage want to sterilze their children just as much as stage three but for completely different reasons. Yes they do not want their child to get sick but mainly they don't want to get sick themselves. Being sick as a parent is horrible.

People in this stage are still taking pictures but it has slacked off a bit.

People in this stage are even more convinced that their child is the cutest, smartest and more wonderful children to ever walk the planet. They also are just now beginning to have to face the flaws they see in themselves and those they have passed on to their children. What flaws you ask? Oh like chewing your finger nails or getting angry too quickly or being too stubborn to listen.

Stage five parenting (a.k.a. everything beyond stage four)

This stage is easy for me because I haven't reached it and I know nothing about it. I will let you know when I am there.

Jerry Springer closing...

A parent is the most blessed, hard, humbling, aggrevating, fulfilling, heart breaking and confusing thing you will ever do in your life. But that shouldn't stop you from enjoying every moment. If you are a parent, just LOVE YOUR KIDS. Show them everyday that they are the most important things ever created. You will figure everything else out as you go.