The many faces of my lovely wife...

Before I begin writing on this subject I must first state a few undeniable facts.

First, my wife is my first love. I love and appreciate everything about her. I will never love another person for as long and as deeply as I love B. I love her despite her cute "little" idiosyncrasies.

Now that I have my disclaimer out of the way I need to tell the world about the four women I married.

When I married B I had never seen a more beautiful bride. Our wedding day was perfect and unforgettable. However, as I reflect upon this happy time I realize that at some point between then and now I actually married four different women.

Woman #1 (a.k.a. the woman I married)

This woman is the one I thought I married. Beauty to my beast, intelligent, wise, compassionate, generous, kind and funny (man does she make me laugh). I knew I wanted to marry her very early because of the way she made me feel when I was around her.

Woman #2 (a.k.a. packing B)

While there are some reminients of W1 in W2, these two woman are as different as day and night. This person emerges a few days before we are leaving on a trip. Similar to the ringing of the dinner bell in the old west, B would announce that it was time to PACK. Which meant everyone in the house (me) was to stop what they were doing and report for immediate re-assignment.

My idea of what a normal person does when they pack is limited to what I do when I pack. Typically the night before the trip I create an imaginary list of what I need to take with me, add 20% and shove it in my suitcase. This for me, is normal.

When B packs it is a completely different ritual. I call it a ritual because there is no other way to describe it. The first and biggest part of this ritual is the CLEANING OF THE ENTIRE HOUSE. That's right, in order for B to be able to pack we have to clean the entire house stem to stern. I am not talking about a cursory cleaning or just doing the laundry. I am talking about the type of cleaning you do when you refer to "spring cleaning."

Here is a list (not a complete list):

Find every piece of dirty laundry and take it to the laundry room.
Wash, dry, fold and put all laundry away (even if it is going to be packed)
Clean the kitchen
Mop the floors
Vacuum the carpets, stairs and entry way
Dust the furniture
Cut the grass
Pull the weeds
Edge the lawn
Get your hair cut
Make all the beds
Wash all the sheets
Flip the mattresses
Inventory the pantry

(ok she doesn't want all this done but if there was time she would)

B cannot begin to put one sock or a shirt into a suitcase before everything is clean and in its place. I have to give her credit in that rarely does she forget things. She also packs for me so I can't complain too much.

When I ask B why it is she needs to go through this process she tells me "Stop talking and do the next chore on your list."

Woman #3 (a.k.a. her mother's daughter)

I like who my wife is when she is at home with us. She is in her element. She is ok with wearing the clothes she slept in for a good portion of the next day. She doesn't find it necessary to always be made up. This is ok for me. I am cool with this because she is at home, with the people that love her no matter what (and it also means I can do it too.)

When her mother comes to visit or when we go to see her mother, B feels she has to live up to a completely different set of rules and regulations.

• When we visit her parents, suddenly the bed we sleep in every night gets made the next morning (what the?!).
• B always puts make up on
• I see B in outfits I haven't seen since the last time we were there (wait, is she stashing clothes at her mothers house?).
• Suddenly my daily attire is no longer appropriate.

Woman #4 (a.k.a. crazy in bed B)

I could never imagine the sweet and innocent woman that I married could become the wild and craz...... wait, is this where I send my story to Penthouse Letters?

And Jerry Springer says...

B, your husband loves you just the way you are. Despite all you crazy quirks!