Parenting according to.....me!

There are five stages to parenting that everyone should know about.

Stage one parenting (a.k.a. I don't have kids and I don't want kids):

Before I begin talking about people in this stage there are a few things that I want to make clear. First, I totally respect people in this stage. Second, some people will never be out of this stage--and that is perfectly fine with me--aren't you glad?

People in this stage tend to be very independant wild spirits. They cannot imagine having to give up the freedoms they currently enjoy. I have to say that if the thought of giving up their lifestyle closely resembles the shock I went through after being married for 9 years and then having a child...I don't blame them for feeling the way they do.

But there are some misconceptions that need to be cleared up about this stage.

First, no matter how much you feel loving a pet is just as powerful as loving a child, you are probably mistaken. I have had pets in my life and I have loved my pets with a deep personal love. I can tell you from first hand experience that the love you have for a child is about 1000 times that of any love you can have for a pet. I know it seems so real and so deep that you cannot imagine being able to love something more. But trust me, it is very different.

Second, anyone that thinks that baby sitting someone else's child or caring for their own pet is like a warm up to taking care of a child, let me help you understand the comparison. On a scale of 1 to 1000 (1 being completely unprepared to care for a child and 1000 being fully ready and capable of caring for a child), if you are successful at performing one of the afore mentioned tasks I would rate you about a 10 out of 1000. That is about how much experience those activities will gain you.

Stage two parenting (a.k.a. We are thinking about getting pregnant):

People in this stage have probably started by having unprotected sex and just "see what happens" for a little while. Depending on your urgency for having a child you may move to more agressive forms of pregnancy induction sooner than others. You need to know that only you can know when it is time to move to the next phase of getting pregnant. Everyone's body chemistry is different. Then try introducing a second person into the mix (your husband) and you have yourself a genuine biological conundrum. Don't be ashamed or embarrased about having to seek help.

People in this stage must also understand something very important. No matter how prepared you think you are for having a child, you are wrong. No matter how much advice people give you about what it is like to have a child, you will be unprepared for the rush of panic and emotion that will set in when you are at home the first night from being in the hospital. You look down at the baby and then at your partner and say to yourselves "Holy $%# now what do we do?" "When are the baby's real parents coming to get them?" Your lives will be forever changed. There is nothing you can do about it but jump into parenting with both legs and arms and feet and lips and teeth, grab on tight and never let go.

Stage three parenting (a.k.a. so you are brand new parents):

People in this stage will take so many pictures of their baby it will make you sick. I mean really how many pictures CAN you have of one individual? The answer is simple.....NEVER ENOUGH.

People in this stage are wondering and worrying about how good of parents you will be as the baby gets older. The women want this stage to last forever. The men want this stage to advance such that they can interact with their child instead of having a big blob with eyes staring at you like you are some kind of idiot.

People in this stage think that their child is the prettiest of any baby they have laid their eyes on. This is God's plan. While it may not actually be true, your heart and mind tell you that this is the cutest baby you have ever seen. WARNING: If you do not think this then you need serious therapy. Because there IS NO OTHER BABY THAT IS CUTER THAN YOURS.

People in this stage, especially those with only one child, are paranoid about everything. I need to boil pacifyers. I need to wipe off the handle on the cart at the grocery store because who knows what germs are on there. I need to make sure they eat a well balanced diet.

People in this stage look at the age of their child and think "they are only 4 weeks old?!? I can't even fathom what it will be like when they are 6 months old."

Stage four parenting (a.k.a. so parenting isn't as bad or frightful as I feared)

People in this stage have their first child at age 3-5. They may have a second child.

People in this stage realize that the babies are not as fragile as they once feared.

People in this stage realize that parenting is more about what is in your heart than any technique they read in a book. They realize that every other parent is making it up as they go along just like them.

People in the stage want to sterilze their children just as much as stage three but for completely different reasons. Yes they do not want their child to get sick but mainly they don't want to get sick themselves. Being sick as a parent is horrible.

People in this stage are still taking pictures but it has slacked off a bit.

People in this stage are even more convinced that their child is the cutest, smartest and more wonderful children to ever walk the planet. They also are just now beginning to have to face the flaws they see in themselves and those they have passed on to their children. What flaws you ask? Oh like chewing your finger nails or getting angry too quickly or being too stubborn to listen.

Stage five parenting (a.k.a. everything beyond stage four)

This stage is easy for me because I haven't reached it and I know nothing about it. I will let you know when I am there.

Jerry Springer closing...

A parent is the most blessed, hard, humbling, aggrevating, fulfilling, heart breaking and confusing thing you will ever do in your life. But that shouldn't stop you from enjoying every moment. If you are a parent, just LOVE YOUR KIDS. Show them everyday that they are the most important things ever created. You will figure everything else out as you go.